Which is nonsense, but Todd likes to frighten not so tech savy people with his argument about feedburner being evil. Anyone knowing what they are doing is able to set up a feedburner feed the way that you still own ‘everything’ around it. That is called htaccess and Feedburner settings. Try subscribing to this feed with any automated way and result in a subscription of the feedburner address – you won’t be able to until you manually copy and paste the address once you called on my feed. If you would want to avoid that even more, Feedburner provided for a long time Mybrand – meaning that you could ‘own’ your feed perfectly.

Mybrand in combination with some switches in Feedburner itself will make a nice feed for you, with not any trouble but a bunch of features available for you no other service has used yet. And when you leave feedburner they do a decent redirect by 301 – and if you own a decent feedreader, it will obey to that.

So what is the point? Is Feedburner really trouble? What would happen when they would do something to harm what your interest is? Yeah, somebody at Feedburner could actually decide to make changes to the feeds to evolve the ecosystem. Like itunes did with their additional entries for feeds.

And then one of two things will happen: Either this is benefitiary to what the user of feedburner wants and they will stay, or feedburner will break something and then they will flee. Flee meaning you just switch back to your own blogs feed, use the redirect from feedburner and be done.

But what if there are some enhancements which will break other readers than Google Reader? Well, either they are really good and then others will learn to implement them as well (again itunes), or readers without Google Reader will not be able to read it anymore.

Hm, let’s think for a moment. Am I as a blogger really interested in loosing out on my readers, just because they are not using a google reader? Yeah right, as if that is going to happen. The fact that most podcasters only offer itunes links is because most podcasters are just that – podcasters with no to only a few clues about how a blog works. iTunes took the ecosystem by storm (and as I said before crashed the development of podcasting). But the blogosphere is a much more grown system, with more than enough choices.

So why is there trouble? What is this about?

And they could, if they wanted to, change the feeds to another format, overnight, without asking anyone.

To be more precise: Without asking Dave Winer. And as he writes in the comments of Robert Scoble’s entry on this:

The rest of your post is right. The big companies, including Google, are trying to take control of RSS, and it’s in contradiction to the roadmap, and just plain wrong. I’ve asked them to stop, and so far they’ve ignored the request. Thanks for raising the issue publicly.

Robert Scoble in his posting:

I really don’t get why these big companies want to mess with the RSS 2.0 spec when the Atom spec, which is a formal standard, is out there. Why don’t they join the Atom committee and why do these big companies want to even have the appearance of messing with a spec that we all are happily using?

Exactly.

I as a user and blogger do not care about either RSS or Atom. For me it is simple. I have a certain set of functionality I want from a feed, both on receiving as on sending side. Neither feedreader I know really cares about if it is Atom or RSS. I use RSS format more like out of tradition, but that is about it.

I as well as others am annoyed how Dave Winer clings onto how only he is supposed to be the only one to know how to work with RSS or what to bring in the future. And I am not the only one. As someone said on a tech conference “Nr. 1 reason to use Atom? No Dave Winer.” Notice that this is about perception and not at all about if it is his right to do so or not.

It is sad to say, but Atom’s best friend is Dave Winer.

• The Dinner Party: Individual vs. Collective
• Being The Bank: The Only Way To Solve Restaurant Squabbling
• Against Splitting The Bill
• Tara Hunt on Being The Bank: Individual vs. Collective

It seems trivial but yet it is one which implies a lot of emotions on both sides. You need to read the ‘history’ first to get an idea what is is about, but if you do not want to, this is my conclusion on the argument “individual vs. collective”.

A collective or let’s say the group thing is not about one person saying “this is how this is a group”. It is about a group agreeing by free will on what they think is appropriate for them, how they want to conduct their lives etc. It should be inviting to outsiders or as I like to say “don’t force me, but seduce /attract me”.

Being a first born, this forcing me to do something is a thing which runs high on the emotional push button side, because if you have a sibling, I see it over and over again that first borns especially, but older ones in general are forced to do something they don’t want “for the greater good” as in “for the younger one” because “it is the right thing to do and you want it too”. No I don’t. Was forced to back then, but am free now to choose who to work or deal with.

Now note, that it is not about me not wanting to contribute and stay singled out all the time. It is about forcing me to do something without consenting into what I think is reasonable, what I think should be done as a compromise.

And after all, I really think that the reason “easy splitted bills” is not done because we want it so, but because waiters introduced the concept to make their live much easier! :o)

The comments below I left on both Tara’s and Stephanie’s post reflect the above; and this whole thing is also again a reminder not to assume that everybody thinks alike. This needs to be sorted out. And if you for example feel uncomfortable with someone being the way like I am that is fine as well. It is also about you then not being forced to run my way but be asked what to do. It is again and again about communicating with one another and find a common ground we can agree on.

My comment at Stephanie:

I don’t like splitting the bill evenly for the very simple fact that I usually never consume the kind of thing others do and while I may feel like inviting somebody else, I am not comfortable doing that in a normal condition.

I don’t drink wine, I don’t drink alcohol, but I do drink a lot of water, usually at least one or two, and if I find something nice on the menue I like to order more – but as I am picky too, it may very well be that I choose only a very limited small selection. Or something really expensive.

Either way, I am usually always NEVER with what the rest of the crowd does, either I am using up much more, or much less than the rest.

I could make a smiley face and say I don’t care, but I do. I could “be nice” and just swallow it up, but I won’t because I see no reason to.

I agree with Stephanie on that if everybody pays, that is taking advantage of, and more than once I have overheard those happy “yeah we like to share and it is great!!!” people afterwards grumpling about how X did have so much more. It is fake in many cases.

It is a good reminder though to pay attention to ‘group’ habbit and make things clear in the beginning.

Something I feel comfortable with for example is a combined thing – I pay my share first (remember, this being either much more or much less) and the rest can go for a shared meal if they like, I do not mind that at all.

If this makes the rest of the group uncomfortable I am sorry, but I rather am at peace with myself than just make somebody else comfortable. Tara’s argument of “oh but that is just greedy individualism whereas the other one is cool collective” does not go with me either IN THIS SPECIFIC case.

Collective for me is not about being made equal all the time, but for me to have a choice and an agreement with the group I am in that this is the direction how we all think is good to go. There has to be compromise on both side usually, which is fine, but that is about it.

In this specific case just reading how it worked I would have expected from you to pay for the starters, since you ordered it (my perspective: usually resulting in a lot of stuff I have no interest in eating) and after that it is up to everyone to organize themselves.

The cultural side of it being that you pay for the birthday girl – over here it is more responsibility for the host to invite everybody is another dimension to it.

To sum it up – it is not easy and needs talking. But there is not the case of “my way is the only one which is the correct one”.

And on Tara’s:

I have left a longer comment over at Stephanie’s blog, and would like to add a part here as relevant for this discussion:

First, it is a cultural thing again. Paying for the host on a birthday is not usual over here, but the other way round. Walking in an international environment, this has to be though about as well, it is the same with tipping for example.

Second about the cheapish person who dares to stay an “individual when it is so much cooler to be the collective!!!” This is a star gazing hippie argument. Could we come down to earth please for a moment?

It is fine with me if I have a group around me which is my friends even barely friends, and to a certain degree I also do this with strangers. But my believe in Karma is not that I have to be generous to the world no questions asked. The relevant part in this is the “no questions asked” argument.

Splitting the bill for me has a very simple reason as I explained in the other comment as well – I am *never* at what the group is at. I am either much over or much under what they are having and as there is the talk of “it will equal out” – yes, in the long run and over all my dinner bills.

But if I go out with the same crowd of people the pattern with them will not change. And as I said, it can run both ways. I do not want to pay much more than I had nor do I expect anyone else to pay for me much more than they had.

And I find myself grouping up with some people as in the non wine people, or the ones having a full meal versus only some little thing.

The argument “then don’t go out” does apply here, but it needs an addition “don’t go out with those people”.

There is not just one situation, and not one solution. But out of the three, me pay /we pay and everybody pays what they had aka Stowe, the we pay does sound like dictatorship to me. Because it forces me to do something.

“You contribute to what you had and maybe even a bit more to not go into details” is much more about collective than a decision “we do all want to pay the same, right?!”.

Bottom line: Clear these things before you start ordering.

Usually also something to be done so the waiter can set up separate tabs and probably where this whole “we pay together” things comes from: Because they are to lazy to run separate bills and it makes their life much easier just to lay the burden on the guest to split it up …

Is it possible that social structures are drilled so hard into our behaviour that most women will not raise their hand and say – basically – “Take me! I am available!” because there is a meaning to it which relates to being hookers?

Think about it. You do “sell yourself” or “offer yourself” when you apply. And around tech you do this mostly to men. Then you go up on a stage and – again – sell yourself. Like on a market.

When you promote yourself, some men do call this “whoring myself” – something even as the lightest joke many women would probably not say.

Of course this focusses just on the negative side of it – but bit by bit (this, child care, costs, being uncomfortable with it, old boys club, no ROI for women, no real interest in the topics etc) it leads up to the sum of “I will not apply”.

Tag(s): culture, diversity, conferences, webconferences, gender, perspective

It is about women in the workplace not wanting to invest time “after work hours” for their job as well as complaining to their significant others if they do.

I am in the lucky position to now do what my passion is. Which also means that it is possible to work with a client and send her or him a link / text in the middle in the night because it fits the project we are working on. I am not “still” working, but it is part of my life. (There is the discussion about separation of life and work and balance but let’s leave that for another time).

I also had this when I still was employed. If I would see something interesting, I would forward it to somebody even if it was work related and I was ‘off duty’. I always enjoyed reading books on business rather than novels, and never had this strict ‘oh my god it is 5 o clock, I have to leave the building!”. But it seems as if my kind of behaviour is odd – especially for a woman. It made me reflect on some of the conversations I had over the years and let me give you the following, (from my experience) very typical examples.

As I said, I like to hand out texts and links I come across. I never had a guy not say thank you and leave it at that, but women would complained to me, one even saying “when am I supposed to look at that – in my free time?!”; very loud for everybody to hear. Guess how often I gave her something again.

My brother took home for christmas a very thick book about his profession – not what he is doing now but what he could use tomorrow. I said that I am very proud of him that he actually does this, but a female friend of mine only had the reaction of “but it is christmas! he should be talking to you and the family!”. He did and we had splendid conversations, but still there was some time slots where he just had time and read his book. But my friends position was, he should not even had brought it there. She would never do so.

When meeting with guys after work, there is no problem switching back and forth between work stuff and other stuff whereas women tend to enforce “this is work free time! Don’t talk business! Let’s do that tomorrow!” and get grumpy when you still slip back to work stuff as if this is offending – but this kind of time is the best time to do networking. So what do men do when they are between themselves? Network. What do they do when women are around? They don’t because the women complain. Which loss is it? The womens.

If training is offended but it runs in the evening, the weekend, the women are more likely to complain about the unfair “use of their free time” and “but i have to do shopping / home work” whereas men just say “cool idea! when shall I be there?” and find another way to do shopping and homework. My former employee had a version where he would pay for the teachers and rooms and you with your free time, a good deal I thought. Most women where about “but it is my free time, I am not paid for this! Why should I go there?”. To learn something, stupid? These are just a few examples where women pass on opportunities but later complain about being left out.

Take conferences as well. Yes of course it is annoying to travel a lot around, but the people I meet at conferences, the conversations and contacts I get out of it are worth it every time. There is never a discussion with a men about his – but always with women. (My favourite: But you could do something useful during that time, like working on your social life in Lübeck. Yeah right, as if there is much people to connect with here in my area of expertise.)

Also, even if this is not the how they want to spend their time, I am amazed how often they don’t recognize the pattern. After all, men are not that complicated.

I remember vividly a female colleague complaining bitterly about her boss because he told her to show some more engagement in the work place and stay longer in the afternoon. She was referred to another colleague as good example. “But doesn’t the boss see that I come at 7 in the morning and then leave at 16:30 in the afternoon already doing overtime! I should not be told to look at the other guy who comes at 8:55 and leaves at 18:30! I am the same time there!”. Yes, true, but the boss comes at nine and usually leaves at 18:15.

And all he sees is that she leaves in the early afternoon where as the other guy is there when he comes and is still there when he leaves.

But what it boils down to is my feeling that a lot of women want to play the game in the work place by their own rules and even though they have all the right to do so – most men play by other rules. And they recognize when somebody else is “in the team” or “in another team”.

What do you do when you have a new task / job? Do you give it to somebody who works like yourself and ticks like yourself or to somebody who ‘refuses’ to invest time in the job like you do?

It strikes me that a lot of women refuse a lot of possibilities. If all you do is your job or if you are paid to do that, how are you supposed to enhance your knowledge / network / experience? Yes, it would be nicer if we would be paid and easier and everything, but if a boss asks you to go on a work trip and the answer is “but I would miss my yoga class!” I assume you will not be asked again.

And if the men around you show that they work on their skills in the free time, you can refuse to do so – but when push comes to shove, you will not be picked, but the other guy who invested time. And showed that he played in “the same league”. Talking to girls I see the tendency to pat each other on the back and say “of course you should not invest your free time! Right for you to do so!” whereas men tend to smirk and go their way – as women push themselves out of the race. And wonder why they do not get as far.

As I said, those are my experiences and they might be flawed, but I have had them over and over again. In a way, this is a game with rules. And as I like to say: If you want to play football, you have to train and work to play football. And not care about your cheerleader moves – because then all you will be is a cheerleader. But never a player on the field.

Thoughs? Comments?

I find this whole splicing up and getting back together annoying and at the same time I totally agree with what he says.

I struggle with a similar reason (add two languages as well) and have not found a decent workaround for myself how I want to use the different media / possibilities as I see fit .. and much more would like to see more tools being used to tailor what ever you want to see on your side.

Because I have no clue what your preferences are. They may be very strange to me. So how can I decide how to split it up when every one is different?

Anyhow, wanted to spread a little link love. :)

In case you do not know: Twitter is a site where you can sms to some short blast and it will be distributed back to your friends. As it seems there should be a IM version as well.

It got me thinking about how different we treat our communication nowadays. At least with most people I am dealing with on a friend basis I do see a longing for something open for all – but still closed enough to not be open for everyone. You know. Like in those old days when you had your favorite IRC channel?

IRC channels had the benefit of that you kind of know the people who are in there and if you are a regular, you know who to deal with. And what this will mean if you post something in there. Like known ground. And I am missing that.

It is a miracle to me how most messengers can figure out the normal 1:1 chat in a nice way but totally miss on what IRC channels have been for a long time. If you look at the “feature sets” for channel communication in skype and other IM clients – they are rotten. But why is that bad?

Because I do not want to talk to a person 1:1 every day. Or I may love to chat with somebody all the time – but the other person might not want to. It is intrusive. Channels on the other side are more like “hey, I have to say something, somebody wanna talk?”. You can throw out ideas, comments, or just links and somebody in the mood might just pick it up.

The basic difference to 10 years ago is the amount of people online and the splintering up of all the services. Back then you had your nickname and could see a person on different channels through the whois command. Today? Not so much.

But we have blogs, don’t we? And we do comment and reach each other? Well, yes and no. Yes of course we do see what other people read – but it is to a much wider circle. The world (and those search engines) read what I may not want them to read. But I would love to bolt it out to a handful of more or less known people.

I don’t know about you, but I have always been quite strict about how I handle the things I get to know. If it is on a blog, web site it is open. If it is in a channel or on a mailing list, it depends on the content. A link to a site will mostly be accredited with a “via IRC/mail”. This is not to not credit the person who gave it to me, but to make sure no unintentional harm is done. Liek for example this nice “Porn For Women Retrospective 2006” link. You would never believe where that came from – and it would take me ages to explain. Personal IM are not bloggable or even distributable unless I get permission – which I ask and will add the question for “with your name / nick or just plain this way”.

And then there is the timing aspect. When I am on a channel, I can grumble about something, or just ask for what I should cook from these three ingredients and and and. I will get an immediate answer. Which I do not get on a blog.

Meet Twitter. People going in for Twitter are – at least from my point of view – of the kind to give to a limited degree information about themselves out in a blast which is a bit different in openness than it is with a blog. It is more intimate. And who want the time aspect too. In essence it is just a mobile chat client with a limited feature set and friendlist. ;)

You can see this wish for intermediate communication in Skype as well – people have misused their name field to fill in for a blast feature until they managed to implement it. Yahoo 360 has had this from the beginning and I think that is a perfect feature – except it was limited to Yahoo 360.

So all in all back to the roots – and most of the people doing these new services have roots in IRC as well. So why oh why did they not transfer the tools as well? *deepsigh*

Tag(s): twitter, irc, communication

Jeremy Zawodny

I edited my “ways to get in contact with Nicole Simon” page and added an “Contact information after Barcamp London page

People asked how to stay in contact and Ben had quite a bit of work to do to find some of the participants. To make it easier for your fellow barcampers, it might be a nice idea to have a kind of overview somewhere, for example the non self explaining flickr name etc.

In case you think “bah, I have a blog, why should I?” try to look if you actually provide ways to get in contact with you on that …

Also you might want to go through the pictures stream on flickr and name yourself to help others to identify you. :)

Please note that listing that information does not included a guaranteed contact etc, but a way to help you out with starting a contact.

Tag(s): barcamp, barcamplondon, barcamplondon06

Now, why do I hate the idea? Of course I do.
First of all, I know people who have my voice as their favorite startup. How can I support something which will take this away from them? ;) But seriously. Why does the thought bother me? Why don’t I buy the “spiritual side of the branding experience” and the rest?

Let me try to only speak for myself.
And not for what other peple might perhaps encounter. We are selfish in this, so we should stay in topic.

The chosen artist. Guitars? Are you kidding me? Getting to the spiritual side every morning on bootup with an instrument I truly dislike is going to be an awesome start of the moment. You know how much I like the apple system, right? This is the kind of thing which actually can make me switch: Non changeable, 15 second guitar stuff. I don’t care how good he is – I don’t like it. There is roughly one piece if ever in which I like guitars and that would be Jump. Perhaps two, but for the rest – hate it.

Now, I do not even need to hear it if it actually comes. I have headphones for my main computer (so it will be some annoying sound in the background) and I am kind of fast with my tablet to remember the kill sound button. But to not even start it, I should remember to shut down sound before i shut it down. Perfect. For what?

“A short, brief, positive confirmation that your machine is now conscious and ready to react.”

You got to be kidding me.

Then: I know how to deal with this and usually, when I am in surrounding which require silence I usually do remember. And you know how this is, because you usually do remember, you forget it the one time when it is important and you are at least 20 feet away from your computer. So when it goes off, everybody will know that while they are disturbed you are now ‘ready’.

Did I mention I hate guitars? Because OTHER people cannot control the sound settings before logged in, or forget about it, when you are in meeting, conferences or just out in the wild. Just take the office. Great, all those booting machines in the morning, juhu! Enlightenment guitar sound, the best way to start a day! So it will bother me.

The suggestions made in the comment thread go the same. Every environment where the PC is USED in a certain way cannot handle this in the future because you have to make sure that at least while booting, the sound is turned off. Hei, I see a market for old out of order headphones – keep the plug for just that! Because that should be the only way to enforce silence.

Oh wait. They will probably now make it a ‘feature’ that even if headphones are plugged in it will be played. You know, spiritual enlightenment is hard when the little ones do not want to follow. This is a tool and not a juke box!

Now the numbers: 95% of the customers will probably not care or never complain to MS. Of course not. How many of you have encountered your family members, friends etc who are not as savy with windows as you are? Where they come to you first thing with a new computer to “fix it” as they call it to make all the setting ‘right’? They know latest after the second computer because suddenly it makes funny stuff you want to get rid off right away.

My nearer family of the not younger kind (as in they did not grow up with computers like my brother an I did) consists of two people who – without talking to each other – asked the same questions about the same typical annoyances of windows. It made me very proud to hear them do that. Did any of them ever complain to MS? Of course not. They complain to me and or they take those little annoyances and let them add up. Are they happy? Take a guess.

So, Mr. Ball, if you intend on keeping this startup sound let me put it this way:
I might be tempted to get one, even with a new machine, because I can deal with it most of the time. Not in enduring it, but in getting around it, without the bright light of knowledge and such. I am nearly 20 years with a PC, started out with MS DOS, and yes I remember Start me up and the controversy around it. Guess what. That was the first thing what was killed in the office – the sounds.

But let me promise this you:
If this stays I will make an personal effort to ensure more people than ever before that the choice NOT to update to Vista is a very wise one and they are unlikely to need a newer version because they will be perfectly fine with using their old windows. And if they want to update, they should consider using a Linux desktop (to touch the angle of the so call security features of the new hard / software) or a Mac.

Yes a mac. If you are such a newbie you are probably better off with a mac anyhow. (Thank god my brother does not read my blog, he would faint reading this.)

Is this a threat? Depends on how you see it. I see this point as yes a small one but a such annoying one that it will be my pleasure to not stay quite as I have done in the past. Am I important? No. I am just the goto girl for at least 10 people in my surrounding which is asked on such thing as an update. I will tell them. About the system which they payed for and still are forced to endure something they may not want without the possibility of changing it.

“You remember the different sound / no sounds you have now? Well update to Vista and you will be forced to use one Microsoft thinks is appropriate for you. No, you don’t really need the new features. Internet and Email will be fine with Firefox and Thunderbird. And while we are at it, you could even run a Linux from your machine to do your writings. And did you the shiny new Macs? Look how cute they are. Go buy one.”

Hm. I might even get myself into finally promoting Open Office one day.

Technorati Tags: microsoft, vista, windows vista, startup sound

The usual way
Usually you meet a person and then you would just like to exchange the usual stuff – business card, email etc. After some time you may discover each other in another platform and just add a link there as well.

The unusual people
But from time to time you meet a person which is just so interesting to you – not necessary you to them and that is fine – that you want to get a hold of them with more than just a business card. And in this nice web space, chances are that you do have different places to look for various incarnations of a person.

Their blog, subscribed, a pod / vidcast perhaps, subscribed … but then it gets into something I think we do not have developed working systems or rules for.

The problems start …

Can I assume that if you have none to few buddies on your flickr acocunt that you are quite selective? Should I add you as a skype buddy? IM? Myspace, Podshow? Perhaps some Second Life account? Or do you hang out more on IRC, which network then? Interstingly you do not do these systems, but actually Orkut or friendster or … or … [add thousand other ways]

What is with your Linked In and openbc one, or do you spit out anger if you are even asked about it like Ben Metcalfe recently ? He is one of the guys I would take for hating such services but being on such actually would make me believe that he might be into this one. But go read why finding him on linked in does not mean that he actually is into using linked in.

On the one hand, you do use a lot of those services. On the other hand you feel overwhelmed / annoyed / what ever when somebody like me starts connecting to you through most of those systems in a short time.

To run through my list of possible connections and research you is a matter of some minutes. I could also start commenting on / start blogging about interesting stuff I discovered in reading up a bit on your blog like for the last 30-70 postings. Easily doable in no time.

Chances are also that I start giving out links and suggestions immediately – you as a ‘new’ contact do not know that I am like that. Of course you will receive special attention for a short time – you are like a new toy – but then it will move over to normal.

And then there is silence …
But chances are, if I do so, that you take a step back on even talking to me at all because you’d probably think I want to stalk you. Which I am not – I am just really fast in reading, comprehending and typing. It is in my nature to send you information or in this case connect.

I “bombard you with this shitty requests” (comment of a person after I managed to send out a flickr request and a plazes one in one day), and either you may take it well or you are annoyed with it. But as we are polite people we don’t say if we do not really feel like answering this.

And just because I read your blog and listen to your podcast does not automatically mean that I qualify as a contact / buddy. But my request may have been nicely written and so you want not to just say no – and let it lay there for some while. And probably forget about it.

You are not helping either …
Is it just that you have no time, or is it rejection? Because answering with “well, you are nice, but this is not the level of contact I want to share with you” is not something we like to write or say. Which is probably why we so seldom do it.

But I bet we think about it as well as “why does (s)he do this? (S)he should know better!” Really? Most of the time there is nothing where you offer me to find out about how you would like to handle these kind of connections / to be handled.

And the other way round may sound less intrusive, but still gets bad feedback: Provide you with a list of all the possible ways to connect and leave it to you to choose the ones you like. Because you are faced with the same kind of decision as if I would send you request after request from all those systems.

You did connect on flickr with me but did not answer on plazes, but did again add me at site Y – should I just resend the invitation to you?

The next problem: Are you a friend? Or a contact? Or are you just too nice?
Flickr allows me to mark somebody as a friend or a contact. So is it okay if you mark me as friend but I you only as a contact? Woah, I made you a contact, but you call me a friend! Do I have to call you a friend also then?

If we are buddies in 5 systems already, and I discover something new like 43people – should I not assume that if I find you there as well, that connecting is fine?

Well, there might be a problem with it – Ben would be a perfect example of this. I have some connection throughout various systems with him and if I would have found him on Linked in, I would have taken that as a sign to add him as well.

But let’s say everything until now really went well. Happy adding everywhere. And suddenly I read on your blog that your biggest problem is that you are too nice and just cannot say no. Great.

Which leads me to one of my favorite topics.

The problem of culture
Different cultures have different more or less unwritten rules how contacts are made. We tend to forget this in the world where everybody lives in the same space. But there are differences and not all of them are pretty.

A sidestep:
Especially with the American one. It makes me physically sick to hear the American sugar coating everything and running around finding everything “Awesome! Your great! Super! Your the best! Great meeting you! Let’s do that again! Wonderful!”

If you are European (and my fellow European readers please agree or disagree) and you come to the US, at first you feel great about so many nice people and what they say about you. Until it dawns on you that they say that to everybody.

Then – at least I did – you start to feel robbed. Because what felt special first is just a polite lie, a common way of talking. But it could be true. So next time, you are more prepared and tell yourself it is over the top. And fall for it again.

It gives me headaches and so far I now tend to just think you are lying to my face. And this constant disbelief in what you say makes at least me shy to appreciate what you say and suspicious times three. (Yes, my head can rationalize and put it in perspective better than my feelings can.)

To give you an easier example which is not as dramatic:
Every time I am asked “how do you do” you will see me pause for a second.

I have to restrain myself not to answer the question. I have been taught this phrase since my first year of English but even today this *is* a question to me. And in those seconds there is this feeling of disappointment again. Hey – they are interested into how I am *meep* nope, just a phrase.

End of sidestep.

So again, culture also applies to how we react on contact request, and even though we are in this bubbly 2.0 space, many of us where brought up not only with the culture of our country and all the implication, there is another one.

Even if we get over our education and dive into the happy net space, there is big one which brings additional problems:

The problem of gender / intimacy

Not only do we play hide and seek about how we do or do not feel when making / reacting to contact requests, it gets even more complicated when we add the man / woman issue to it. (In case you want to chime in and say “but I do say how great it was meeting you!”, read the above sidestep again.)

How do you feel when you get attention by somebody from the same sex? Probably kind of okay, and if you are a male, you might see a sporty side to it. Now imagine the same from a woman. Or the other way round.

Is the other person just interested or is there more to it? Is this just a smiley, or is there more to it? Hm, she does not react to my mails, but I hear from friend x she does to him? Hei, he writes about exchanged communication with that other girl, but not about ours? We have mailed for some time now, does this mean this goes further than that? If I agree on meeting that person, what do I get myself into?

Relax. Most times this is not about you being of the opposite gender. It is about you being an interesting person and somebody having taken interest in you. Not about a love interest.

What is working, what is not
Yes, this in part was a rant as well as a request to everybody out there to make this as easy for everyone else around you.

The following are some suggestions.

• Give me a natural starting point
  for my discovery to learn about what you want or do not want up front. And help me make a decision why you on the one side offer you telephone number on your website but at the same time get annoyed if people send you an invitation to more harmless services like this.

  In most cases that would be your website, your blog. A sentences sometimes says everything.

  If you use a system like linkedin or alike, this is a good place also to start.

• Make a page which services work for you or not.

  (Also make it clear that you will reject every other invitation if that is the case).

  If you hate social services and still get invitations all day long, go register for them. And put into your profile that you loath this application and do not want to connect with anybody in here. This will still make you look like a jerk, but at least I am know where I am with you in this application.

• Give me a sense of what is important for you or not

  For example “connect with me on these 5 networks, I don’t care at all about a mass amount of contacts, but I will only register with best friends on service X”.

And if you want to subscribe to ‘me’?

I am currently going through the different systems I am using or not and try to compile a “how and when to connect to Nicole or not” and will post about that later. :)

For business purposes I mainly use, because it allows me a much better control over what contact information I reveal, but especially it allows me to get your contact information if you so choose.

I would love to have in there linkedin’s feature of stating “this is when you should or should not connect with me”. I am using at the moment something I borrowed from Jeff Clavier:

Please note that I only connect with people I have met previously and established a relationship with, and that I am not seeking new connections for the sake of growing my network. I want to be able to represent who you are and what you do when I am asked to forward a request.

(There is a bookmarking feature you can use also and please do not misuse contact requests for sending emails.)

If you are interested in trying openbc, take this link if you register for a free premium month, and this one for two months if you are a women.

So, why this whole posting?
Only if we collect ways of what is working or not, we have a way to connect without hassle and without bad feelings. Try to think of cases which really made you cringe or where you where delighted. If you write a bit about what annoys you or makes you tick, it helps everyone.

Especially when those are unwritten rules in your country / society. Chances are, you had to be brought up in them to understand them – and many of us haven’t. :)

And now I have to sign up for this 43 thingie, looks interesting …